Where the Wild Things Are

I enjoy picking fights with extinct or dangerous species. When I see one, my caveman circuits turn on, and I immediately think: how would I defend myself if it attacked me? I recently took on a T. rex that was being shown in this same exhibition at Science World. In this post, I’m showcasing several other species who were itching to rumble in the jungle.

This fierce looking prehistoric diving spear is called a pterosaur. The outcome of a battle against this avian menace would depend entirely on its size. A small to medium pterosaur could potentially injure you, but a large one (e.g., Quezalcoatlus) would entirely ruin your day.

I think it would be easy to hide under a tree if it attacked me. Caves, burrows, holes, and fast-food joints are also protective. Helmets would be useful, but it depends on the technological level of one’s current civilization. The trouble begins if you’re out in the open, picking berries on a plain, hanging from a narrow cliff edge, or swimming in open water. But realistically speaking, if you ever get attacked by a pterosaur while out in the open, then maybe it was just meant to happen.

When I saw this next massive creature, I thought that it would be embarrassing to get wrecked by one of them. They were the size of a small bear weighing in and around 200 pounds and went extinct about 10,000 years ago. It would be a spectacle wrestling one of these seven-foot tall chompers, but I think I have a chance if I apply a few smooth moves along with intimidating battle cries.

This next species is not extinct but it's extremely dangerous. I don’t know much about rhinos, but I’m a smart monkey. If one charges at me, I just grab onto the horn, swing myself onto its back and ride it like a Kosmoceratop. See my previous post for step-by-step instructions.

I wouldn’t pick a fight with a gecko because they’re so small and adorable. But if one touched me with its creepy little toes, I would flick it across room.

This is a leopard gecko. It is a live specimen and not a reenactment.

Cockroaches? Absolutely not.

These were live cockroaches. I'm no biologist, but these specimens have clearly reached an advanced cultural stage. I decided to move on quickly from there. I wasn’t expecting so many critters in this adventure. It was like being submitted to skin-crawling psychological warfare.

If you look closely at the nightmare image above, you will notice that there are two insect species in this shot, but one of them is cleverly camouflaged like sticks in a tree while the other looks like a stomach-churning extra from the movie Alien.

Ah, the wonders of nature.

I much prefer to fight noble creatures like this mountain lion and his saber toothed ancestor. Would they best me in a struggle for survival? It depends on whether it's a nice kitty or a bad kitty. As they used to say in the olden days, "if it fits, it sits."

What about horned rams? How would you fight these worthy mammalian opponents with their proclivity to ram you with their horns. After careful study, I have concluded that these very appendages are their undoing during a fight. I would wait for one to strike me, then hop to the side at the last second, grab it by the horns, and swing myself onto its back to ride it like a rhino. Easy as apple pie.

There were various other dangerous species, but I was getting tired of so many battles, so I hurried along.

As I came to the end of the exhibition, I was feeling all pumped up with adrenaline just imagining what it was like to go mano-a-mano with these well-equipped species. I also felt a little bummed out that I had arrived too late in the evolutionary timeline to encounter these opponents and test myself against them in the honourable struggle for life and reproductive success. When lo and behold...

My spirits lifted when after turning a weird-angled corner, I came face to face with this magnificent creature.

Images of citizens running down the rainy streets as robo-dinos rampaged through the city with laser eyes came to mind. I laughed gleefully as the machine moved and roared. Ah! The possibilities for humanity, I knew then, were virtually endless.

Now to the question at hand: how would you defeat a robo-dino? The laser eyes present a problem, but if you manage to get close enough, it will try to strike you with its tail. All you need to do is duck as it swings above you, timing is everything, and as it reaches the apex of its movement, grab onto the tail, and use to sling yourself onto its back and ride it like a horned ram.

I know what you're thinking. This is madness. Surely, we will never live in a society where extinct species are recreated and equipped with lasers using genetic engineering or other advanced technology. You're probably right. Nevertheless, my fellow Hiveans, I hope you have picked up a few tips and tricks, just in case. 😉