A Timely Encounter

The study of geology is not for the faint of heart, especially where the math and physics are concerned for processes and events that happened over the course of millions of years. There’s also chemistry and engineering involved, which is a perfect recipe for many sleepless nights if you're a geophysics student, or if you're a humanities student who just wanted to take a course on astronomy but now find yourself learning about the earth's crust as well.

The surface of the planet is highly active, and the plates that make up its outer crust are dynamic, operating on timescales that are incomprehensible to the mind.

Around 200 million years ago, the province in which I now live, British Columbia, was still under water, and only the Rocky Mountains to the east were jutting out of the ocean with waves lapping on the shores of what is now the Alberta province. Over long periods of time, the tectonic plates- on which this side of the continental shelf resides- moved, slipped, collided, subducted, froze, melted, exploded, shook, and churned out mountain ranges and volcanic chains along the Pacific coast. The story is much more complex than I can detail in this post, but it is a story that takes place over time scales that boggle the mind.

On a visit to a Science World, I came upon this geological exhibition that had life-sized models of rock formations combined with real samples of rocks and minerals. This is a great way to visualize a subject that can be a bit dry.

Unbeknown to me, my pleasant geological sojourn was about to get interrupted by the living dead. I should've seen it coming when I saw the concept of time scales also explored in the context of lifeforms, as found in the paleontological record that oftentimes involves the rocks and minerals of the wider geological matrix in which they are embedded.

As I turned the corner, I came face to face with one of the largest and most fearsome creatures that has ever existed and who roamed the wilds of British Columbia about 72 million years ago: Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I forgot all about rocks and the vastness of time, and decided to pick a fight with a dinosaur instead. The hair on the back of my neck bristled. My caveman circuits turned on, and I soon found myself wondering how I could take this massive beast down, should the need arise in a Jurassic Park situation.

I’ll be honest, I used to think I could take on a bear. It’s hilarious the number of men who think they can fight a bear. Without social media to give me straight facts (and videos of wholesome bear encounters), I could only imagine what it was like to fight such a beast with bare hands. No problem, I thought. When the age of the internet dawned, and I was able to gather more data on bears, I quickly realized that I was delusional. I couldn’t take on an angry raccoon let alone a bear. A fact that was nearly proved by a raccoon who tried to steal my backpack in the middle of the night, but that's another story.

So I couldn't defeat wildlife, but could I take on a dinosaur?

Bite force

• Pounds: 8-13 thousand
• Newtons: 35,000 and 64,000
• Tooth pressure: 431,000 pounds per square inch (psi)

To put in context, getting bitten by this creature is roughly equivalent to getting crushed by three small cars.

A primitive dread came over me when I stood under this massive predator that lived so long ago. I think a relatively strong and fit man might have a chance in fending off a black bear, but this dino beast was on another level. Defeating it would be tricky, I decided.

Unless…

I would need help bringing it down, I thought. I was feeling hopeless in all honesty, but then I turned and saw the answer to my woes.

I inspected the Kosmoceratops specimen. It would make a fine mount, I conjectured. All you have to do is grab it by one horn when it charges at you, then swing yourself onto its back and ride it to glorious victory with your spear.

Watch out for that wicked T. rex tail!

Tailslap statistics

• Total Contractile Force: Approximately 36,085 Newtons.
• Torque: Roughly 18,208 Newton-meters.
• Effective Muscle Pull: About 36,080 Newtons.

Imagine being struck by a battering ram that blasts a sonic boom with the force of its impact and could easily shatter armor & bones. Worry not, however, our trusty Kosmoceratop steed would weigh a robust 1.2 and 1.5 tons with a compact 15 ft frame that makes it ideal in tight spaces like secret cloning labs in tropical islands. Plus at speeds of around 35 km/h (22 mph), our steed could outmaneuver the beast in medium-sized corridors.

Ay, the casualties would be many if we ever bio-generate a Jurassic World, dear Hiveans, but in the end, our dinosaur army will be victorious, and the large bones of our T.rex enemies shall remain on the ground for visitors to play with at science museums.

And after the battle, we shall enjoy the juice of the barley on verdant fields, which have been growing for at least 475 million years according to this plaque.

Thank you for time-traveling with me.

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