'Baby Talk' 5 Minute Freewrite

Today's prompt is "baby talk":

It was turning out to be a particularly off-putting day for Benjamin. It had consisted of brief, but numerous, respites from his desk in the form of watercooler and bathroom breaks. His coworkers had recently struck up a romantic relationship, and there was far more gooey cuteness in the air than he could take. By some miracle of patience he managed to wait until 2:00 before heading to Tim’s desk in HR.

“Ben, I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable, but they signed a relationship disclosure,” explained Tim. “There aren’t any rules against them dating.”

“I’m not saying we need to break them up, just that I can’t take it anymore. Move me to another part of the office, at least.”

“There aren’t any more desks available. Maybe you could work something out with—”

“I already tried that.” Benjamin sighed, and wearily put his hands to his face. “No one wants to switch seats. Everyone’s heard how insufferable Kathy and Richard are now.”

“Is it a problem with PDA?” Tim asked. Benjamin paused.

“…If I said yes would you move me?”

“Would that be a lie?”

Benjamin sighed again and leaned heavily against the back of the chair. He never liked dealing with HR, but it was still a smidge ahead of the lovefest he’d left.

“Ben, what is it exactly that’s bothering you?” Tim ventured. “Maybe if you tell me we can resolve the conflict somehow.”
“It’s just the whole atmosphere they’ve created. It’s so aggressively lovey and…” Benjamin trailed off.

“And?”

“And…there’s the baby talk.”

“Baby talk?”

“Oh please don’t make me say it,” begged Benjamin. “You know what I mean.”

“Well, I think so, but you should tell me to make sure we’re on the same page.” Tim had to work hard to suppress a smile.

“Cuddle wuddles.” Benjamin cringed awkwardly. “Wittle ittle.” He couldn’t take it anymore and shuddered, as if to shake off the cuteness. “That kind of thing. Cutesy petnames and stuff. It’s gross.”

“Hmm. Why don’t I schedule a mediation session. You, me, Kathy, Richard. What do you say?”

Benjamin remembered other sessions he’d been dragged into, but given the direness of the situation he relented.

“Fine. Thanks.”

He stood up and went to collect his coat from his desk. Today felt like a good day to go home early.

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