I am the mean parent.

The one who expects a lot and is much more likely to punish our daughter when she has crossed boundaries. At the same time, I think I am also the one who encourages her to try more things and push a little harder. As I told her in a conversation the other day, it isn't my job to be her friend, it is my job to prepare her the best I can for whatever she will face in life.

Even if she doesn't like me now for it.

But when the things she tries work out, it makes her incredibly happy. And since I was growing a few things last year, this year she wanted to grow carrots. To do this, we bought some deep plastic planter containers, since the herb containers I built last year are too shallow, and some seeds. And a short three months later, here we are - with the first harvest of a handful of carrots that were ready to pull.

While I wasn't expecting much, they are decent sized and relatively straight, not that there is anything wrong with being a crooked carrot. My wife was super surprised, as she wasn't expecting anything from this harvest and is always sceptical when Smallsteps and I run our little experiments, missions and projects together.

Carrot-and-stick

The "carrot and stick" is a policy or system of motivation that combines rewards (the carrot) for good behaviour or compliance with the threat of punishment (the stick) for bad behaviour or noncompliance.

We all work on incentives, both positive and negative and I believe that one of the mistakes that a lot of parents have been making over the last few decades, is by only giving positive encouragement, no matter what their children do. For many, there is no disincentive for bad behaviour, nor is there any significant and meaningful punishment. Without a reason not to do something, a child will do it. Instead, parents go as far as rewarding children for mediocre behaviour, which is fine in early stages of learning a new skill, but if it persists, the development will slow. And positive reinforcement loses its power when it is applied without discernment.

Every parent wants to believe that their children likes them, but I don't think that should be the guiding force for parenting, as it is too easy to fall into the trap of pleasing the child at any cost. A couple of Smallsteps friends are very overweight, which I find pretty horrible for kids who aren't even into double figures yet. They get what they want and when they don't, they throw tantrums and behave poorly. Some of the stories the parents tell as if nothing can be done, that their child is just that way - it is nonsense.

Setting boundaries is good.
Testing boundaries is good.
Enforcing boundaries is good.

As far as I am concerned, on top of the compulsory food and shelter type things, parents are charged with creating environments where children are able to learn and develop themselves in ways that will support a good life. What a "good life" actually is might have a lot of variation in it and with the rapidly changing landscape we might not know much of what it will look like in the future, but if there is a future for humans, skills will still be needed. How to manage oneself, and how to deal with others. How to push through difficulty and deal with adversity.

And how to manage difficult people, like me.

For parents, have a good cop and a bad cop is a very useful tool, because it means that there can be stick and carrot in the same household, firmness and gentleness.

My wife was meant to be bad cop.

Taraz
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