Quarrels as an illusion of closeness

My thoughts on quarrels and closeness

Sometimes relationships develop in such a way that quarrels become the only way to feel connected. This is not about “strong love,” but about a deeply rooted pattern that is formed in childhood. When care and attention only came in moments of crisis, a person develops the feeling that calmness means a lack of connection, and conflict means confirmation of significance.

Why this happens

In early childhood, a child could only get attention when they cried, were sick, or behaved “badly.”

In calm moments, there was no closeness, and gradually the idea took hold: crisis = contact.

In adult life, this turns into a model where quarrels become a fetish for closeness: intensity replaces stability.

How it manifests itself

People alternate between phases of “we are together” and “we are enemies” chaotically, unable to maintain calm closeness.

Silence is perceived as a vacuum, as a harbinger of the other's disappearance.

Conflict becomes a way to “voice” the presence of a partner, even if that presence is tinged with hostility.

What to do about it

Breaking out of this cycle requires not just avoiding conflict, but learning to endure emotional silence. This means:

Recognizing the pattern of “closeness = intensity” as a defense mechanism from the past.

Developing tolerance for “emptiness,” which is actually a space for real contact.

Rebuild your internal model of attachment through new experiences — in therapy or in relationships where calmness does not mean rejection.

Conclusion

Quarrelling as the only way to be close is not about the strength of feelings, but about the inability to tolerate stable closeness. But this pattern can be changed. True mature closeness is born where we can simply be close, without the need to dramatise and prove our importance through conflict.