Struggle, sacrifice and the choice to evolve

I recently came across a post online. One of those that sounds deep at first but doesn’t quite sit well afterwards. It was advice to women about the kind of man they might fall in love with.

The writer spoke about the “struggle man”. The one who fought his way out of the trenches, bore scars from breaking cycles, worked hard, and made countless sacrifices. According to him, such a man may not be emotionally expressive or romantic because, in his words, “struggle dries up a man’s emotional sauce.”

He ended the post by saying: “He may not write love poems, but his hustle is his love language. Learn to see the romance in his sacrifice. Love him for who he is, and help him evolve, not resent.”

And honestly, I understand his sentiment and his point of view. I see the intention in his post but I also have a few thoughts.

First of all—don’t we all make sacrifices?

Think about it, struggle is not exclusive to men alone. Neither is sacrifice. I understand that men are groomed to be tough, to not cry and to "be fine" regardless of what they go through but pain, endurance, hustle, and hard work are not gender-specific. Women know what it means to fight too. They know what it means to give up dreams for love and for family, what it means to keep moving regardless of how they feel, to raise children in the middle of chaos, to show up every single day fatigued, exhausted. So should everybody walk around emotionally hardened, using our "struggle" as a reason not to show up for the people we love?

There should come a point in life where we must choose to evolve. We evolve not because we haven't suffered, but precisely because we have. We have experienced what pain can do, and so we choose better for ourselves and for the people we love.

Stephen Covey said it best in His book "The 7 habits of highly effective people". He said, “Your behavior is a function of your decisions, not your conditions.” Life throws all kinds of conditions at all of us. Some people grow up without affection. Some have been in survival mode for as long as they can remember. But how we show up in our relationships should reflect our decision to heal and our desire to love better.

Where I come from, the sacrifices men make are loudly applauded compared to the woman. And i know its not a competition. Truly, I salute every man who goes out daily, under the sun, in the rain to provide for his family. I respect the sacrifice. But it’s time for an honest conversation.

Because women are sacrificing too. Today’s women are not just “housewives.” Most women I know whether they work outside the home or not are working very hard. They’re doing full-time jobs, running side hustles, raising children, managing the home, being emotionally present, praying, loving, cooking, cleaning, and more. Even stay-at-home moms aren’t idle. I personally think they work the longest shifts because motherhood does not have closing hours. These women are taking online courses, starting small businesses, some managing remote jobs, and striving to remain financially relevant.

Now, i know that the person who made the post that inspired me to write this may never come across it, but i believe some others need to see this. So when we talk about sacrifice, let’s not limit it to men. But more importantly, let’s not use sacrifice as a reason to withhold love or softness.

Being hardworking should not be an excuse to be emotionally available.

And yes, women should help their men heal and evolve. But let that evolution not be one-sided. Let men also support their women in growing, healing, and becoming. That’s how we move forward. Thats how we make progress together.

To every hardworking man and woman out there: I see you. I honor you. More grace to you💪

Thanks for reading ☺️
Feel free to comment

Photo credit: Jake colling (unsplashed)