A very Khoola disorder :)

_{Image by Bananayota from Pixabay}

Writing this to relieve some stress, get my head in the right direction, and most of all because Stayten said I would get the most awesome badge when I post here.

Currently, I am argh, "uninspired" can't write or do anything else productive in Hive 😭. So, I am writing out of my head straight to the page unsure how this will turn out.

I have some kind of "anxiety disorder" that is what I heard it was called. There is probably a better term for it.

I worry and overthink too much... to the point that it impairs my "social skills".

Result(s):

• I fail as a human in socializing. I am always consciously worrying about what I do or say or just plain anything (vice versa). A lot of my relationships romantic or not got broken by this.

• I grew indifferent to people over time.

• I learn to do everything myself without anyone's help.

• In Hive, it is mental torture to just write, post, comment, upvote, or talk to people then worry all day if what I said is well received.

• It takes me a lot of time and courage just to check comments and notifications.

• Talking to people in real for me is just saying what I need to say and keeping everything simple. But being in a community and wanting to help makes it hard to do—and very worrisome.

• It is impairing, seriously I just want to stay in my room. 🤣

But,

• Looking out a window there are things I want to do or need to do and experience.

• I love to write (even if writing does not love me back right now), read and I want to learn new things.

In real life, I cope with it in an unexpected turn of events. I cared and fell for someone then, later on, married her. This didn't solve the problem it actually made it worst, instead of just fearing and worrying for myself I now worry for two people (plus kids).

One day, I came home and just said, "I am sorry, I tried but I failed miserably." I just lost everything. I am prepared for the consequences, who would stay with a man who can no longer feed his family. I wouldn't!

I got nothing, no plans, no brilliant ideas, no future... I failed.

What I received back was a warm hug and a kiss saying "Everything will be alright." The next months I did a lot of odd jobs but those pay a little bit better than 💩 posting.

Anxiety and fear always overwhelm me, overthinking that I will fail along the way, but knowing that even if I do "fail miserably" it will be fine. I have a home.

In Hive, I _____ a home and a bunch of dysfunctional "friends" of sorts. This gave me a lot of courage to push through, experiment, explore and keep doing stupid things. Thinking, even if I fail as a Fiction Writer, a Knight, a Citizen, a Noob, a Bookworm, a Redfish, a Curator, or even as a Pimp.

It's fine, I can always go home and say, "Ghad guys, I failed miserably! you wouldn't believe..." then know they will still accept a failure or maybe not 🤣.

_{All links go to Wikipedia.org. The pictures and the banner in this post were made or taken by myself, ©@khoola. In the cases when they were taken from other sources I stated the source in the sub-caption of the pictures.}