Relationships and needy love

I’ve been reflecting on relationships recently and it occurred to me how often our desire for relationship is based on insecurity. This is the phenomenon I’ll call ‘needy love’, which applies to all relationships, but particularly romantic ones.

Needy love is immature and insecure. It exists because many of us are, on the inside, wounded children who didn’t receive the love, appreciation and acceptance we needed in childhood. We didn’t get it from our parents, and we are still trying to get it from others because we feel incomplete.

We seek romantic partnerships in the hope that a partner will make us feel happy and good about ourselves; that being with them will make us feel complete and secure. And it can, to some extent, but what happens when that relationship ends? Do we retain the sense of being loved and accepted? Or do we feel rejected and worthless? The latter has been my experience.

So how do we solve this problem? With another relationship? And another one after that? This is only a band-aid solution if we lack an inherent sense of self-worth. And it is for this reason, that a few years ago, I decided not be in a relationship until I sorted myself out first. The last thing I wanted was to take my unresolved emotional issues into a relationship; to put unrealistic expectations on my partner to make me happy. And I certainly didn’t want another co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship in which I lost myself trying to make him happy too.

No, I realised that my happiness is my responsibility; and so is learning to love, value and accept myself instead of relying on others for it. And since I’ve been doing this, I’ve felt so much better about myself and a lot more empowered. It’s been really rewarding and also liberating to not have this needy insecure desire to be with someone else to ‘complete’ me.

Imagine a world where everyone could take responsibility for loving themselves first? How much better would that be? How much better would all relationships be if we were more self-aware, emotionally mature and honest, and willing work through our own stuff? Now that is a world I want to see!