Nowhere Near the Version Who Stopped Believing
I want to experience things anew with the fresh attention like a first-time encounter, which requires deliberate and sustained letting go, a skill not naturally acquired by those rewarded to seek deeper knowledge,
I want to experience things anew, free from preconceived notions, These notions may not always be visible from my perspective, and I may not even realize they exist until an unexpected event causes a physical reaction,
I want to experience things anew, as if it were created by an unknown person whose instincts, materials, and thoughts I discover alongside it, rather than directing it from above with pre-made auto-pilot decisions,
What would I notice about the most ordinary part of today if I gave it the same full and unfiltered attention as I would do something new and unnamed,
I want to experience things anew, learning that this isn’t a state to be achieved but a practice repeated in the moment before the familiar overtakes the extraordinary that always existed within me…
I’ve learned more from my failures than my successes because failures challenged my beliefs and forced me to rebuild from a different kind of a steadier foundation,
I’ve learned more from my failures, dead ends, and unproductive ideas that opened unexpected doors I wouldn’t have reached if my original plan had succeeded,
I’ve learned more from my failures and detoured work that years later, I realized it had led me to the right place to make the next thing I needed to do in order to accept the real me,
What past mistake or failure should I revisit to understand what it quietly taught me about the route that was always being prepared, even when it didn’t match my mapped out route,
I’ve learned more from my failures and I’ve spent more energy avoiding them than embracing them, suppressing has been one of the most costly habits of my creative life…
I carry something real and hard-earned, and I know the weight of this carrying can sometimes stand between me and the move that has never been made before,
I carry something real and hard-earned, expectations, and conclusions, I’m learning that carrying isn’t the same as being trapped by it and instead, I can set it down when I need space to breathe
I carry something real and hard-earned, and I’m learning to discern when it’s being used as a defense mechanism against the specific kind of ignorance I require for the next creative endeavor,
What would I create if I could access all my knowledge and the openness of someone who hasn’t learned anything yet, Is there a version of me that can hold both simultaneously without one overpowering the other,
I carry something real and hard-earned, to hold it lightly when not-knowing is more than honest, useful, and genuinely alive, which I’ve been more willing to admit to myself than I thought of just existing…
I’m not done with my beginner self even though it’s inconvenient to the professional persona in me, who automatically decides what enters and stays out of my own worldy image,
I’m not finished with my beginner self, I still need the eyes that have never encountered this before, even when it’s the most challenging to find in a self that has spent years building competence as its primary defense against the exposure of inner ignorance,
I’m not done with my beginner self that hasn’t been made, even though I can’t see it, others are certain it doesn’t exist, and my expertise insists that all available moves have been accounted for,
What if my most capable creation hasn’t been made yet, not because I lack ability, but because I haven’t explored enough of my existing knowledge to create the specific space for it to arrive fully,
I’m not done with my beginner self and that’s not a failure of progress, it’s the most honest and hopeful part of me, the only truly finished version of me is the one who stopped believing there’s a move left that no one has ever made, I’m nowhere near her yet…
Watchwords:
The extraordinary always right there inside the familiar,
Failure deposited me where I needed to be,
The hard-earned thing used as defense not resource,
The beginner inconvenient to the professional inside,
Nowhere near the version who stopped believing...
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream:
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