Where I Am Now

Thirteen years ago, I thought that my life now would be at its peak. I mean, way back before I thought that when I'm already in my 20s, I'll be working and I'm already financially independent. However, I am already 20 now, but I'm still far from the future I envisioned. Well, it's not that I stopped my education, rather it was added by two years, thanks to the new curriculum. Anyway, being in my 20s really feels much different from what I imagined it to be before.

I thought I'd be more sure of what I wanted now, but it's like other way around. Before, I thought my future was full of nice things and possibilities, but the more I grew up, the more I realized how limited my options are. It felt so scary to make a mistake because I know it will really make ripples—effects that would make my options narrower. I never thought I'd end up feeling this way at this age...all the plans I made before sound ridiculous now. All the hard work, effort, and sacrifices I spent in the earlier years of my life felt wasted.

I know I shouldn't feel this way because I know there are a lot of people who are in a harder situation right now...But I just can't help it. I can't help but pity my current self because no matter how I console myself, I can't ignore the fact that I somehow failed. I failed to achieve the goals I set up, to enter the college I had prepared much for, and ultimately to make my younger self happy. I know I sacrificed a lot of my childhood just to excel in the things I thought would help me reach my goals, but in the end, fate played on me. Even though I graduated as the top of our batch, I still wasn't able to enter the university I wanted...and up until now, it feels terrible. It's like the catalyst of my doom.

I shouldn't be wallowing now—because I still have a lot of important things to do. But I guess tonight I'll make an exception. The gravity of all those wrong decisions I've made just suddenly came back, crushing the already crumbling ego I have. The ego that kept me from breaking down...the ego that comforted me. I know this miserable feeling will always stay with me, but hopefully I'll get distracted again. So that I may stay away from these rotten feelings. Odd thoughts always come up in my mind on Friday nights, yet what comes now must stays just now. Tomorrow will be a better day eventually...if it will be.