What to do

It's very easy to feel as though there is no point. I, as human, am motivated by many things. Very often it is self interest - food, shelter, socialization, problem solving. But what I am driven to pursue is often very different than what I am motivated by, and this contrast has always been a thorn in my side.

How do I motivate myself to do the things I feel driven to do? I have no desire to make money, so becoming successful is not a motivation. However, I want to leave an impression on those around me, so becoming successful is a drive. What does success even look like to me? I am not sure.

Then the concept of having a following - I have a great drive to socialize, to have others listen to and care about my words. To find an audience that wants me and what I have to say. However, socializing is often stressful and difficult. I am driven to socialize, but there is very little motivation to.

These contrasting and conflicting interests have often been a great point of internal contention and turmoil. If I were motivated by having others engage with me, then creating the things I want to create would be their own reward. If I were motivated by money, then having an audience would be its own reward.

The things I am driven to do are locked behind multiple layers of things I feel I should be motivated by, but instead act as deterrents. I need to find a different way forwards. Most importantly, however, I need to just put pen to paper and write. I'm reminded of "The Faster the Treadmill".