Half Gone

Within the last two months of the timeframe, this might be the fifth or seventh time that I have sat to write something, like the old days, troubled mind looking for a way to dump all the shits that is troubling me. Well, I don't know if this will be finished or not, maybe this may end like the previous attempts, where I faded away in the middle and kinda threw that half-dumped stuff into the trash of my notepad.

Right now, it's July 2nd of 2026. Can you imagine that half of 2026 is gone? What have I achieved? Things got any better? Nooo, instead I'm in deeper shits, life has been cornered even more toward the darkness, having glimpses of mirages one after another, which is breaking me into pieces even more.

Financially, it was never good, or no way I'm seeing myself getting any better. Rather, this is hampering my personal relations with friends and family. Hell yeah, now I do understand the bitter realities of the world. I have dragged myself to the lowest possible limits are getting broken one after another; things are way more bitter than they can be imagined.

📸 Ethan Hoover

The more I'm into these thoughts, the more meaningless this world seems, the more meaningless my existence feels. Regrets are all over the decisions, from the starting of years back to each and every decision that kinda made me the frog adapting with the boiling water. By the time it reached its limit to adapt and needed an instant walkout, it was too late to get out of the pot. I'm just like that frog, my situations are pretty much the same, while compromising on and on with the situations, I'm now stuck in the fu**ed up situations so badly that I can't bear it, nor can I escape, just waiting for the end, whether it be the worst situation or me, whatever hugs first.

Before the start of this year, I was hoping for it to be the one that brings the change, moves towards the positive trend, and sorts out the financial complexities. But in reality, I'm finding myself in deeper shits, just how fast the six months flew away.

We all have a peak time for everything, when things feel smoother, easier, yet most of us fail to realise the actual role we should have played, the actual stuff we should have done. Failing to utilise those peak opportunities, we end up struggling on the later ones, then no matter how much effort we put in, it doesn't matter, it takes a ton to recover. Easy-peasy routes are gone means gone forever, no way back. That's where I am, years back, I lost the golden opportunities. If I had played more carefully back then, everything would have been thousands of times different, thousands of times.

I don't know what to do, where it ends, when things get better, or if they just don't. I'm just moving on and on, while trying to cope with the situation to get better, but instead it's taking me down the line into complete darkness.