suicidal tendencies.

i have no interest in living this life. i do it because i have to, not because i want to. i wouldn't be upset if i fell off the earth at any point. there is no reason for me to be here. i don't have a bucket list, i'm good if i kick it. i am 33, and have had thoughts about taking my own life since i was a kid. i think the first time i made plans on taking my own life i was 16.
i had a very detailed plan on how i would go out. honestly, and there have been very few days where i haven't revisited those plans in my head. this isn't a cry for help, i don't want shit from anyone and i am not going to do shit about it. if i take my own life it will probably be a drunken sad night that i wouldn't remember.

i have zero interest in being here, i do it because i have to. i do it for my mom, because she'd be a mess if i left. but she has my step dad. i truly feel like if anyone knew how i really feel they wouldn't mind me clocking out. why do i have to live for another person? i didn't ask to be here. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be here. i don't want to fucking be here. why do i have to be? i didn't ask to be here. i don't have any reason to fucking be here. i don't want to live like this. this isn't a cry for help, this is fucking honesty.

there is too much going on in my head for one person to handle. i don't want to live like this.