I Thought I'd Be Someone Else by Now.

It's my birthday today, and I don't know if birthdays are supposed to make you grateful or make you audit your entire existence because somehow that's what they always do to me.

When I was younger, I never imagined this was where I'd be. I wasn't expecting luxury or some picture-perfect life, but I really thought I'd have more clarity than confusion, more answers than questions, and honestly, I thought I'd be done wrestling with things that I'm still wrestling with today.

The funny thing is, I used to think God was preparing me for greater responsibilities, and maybe He was, but somewhere along the way I realized He was more interested in dealing with me than giving me something to do, and I hated that because I'd rather be useful than be under construction.

I think that's one of the hardest things I've had to admit this year. I don't just enjoy being needed, I quietly depend on it. It gave me a place. It gave me an identity. It made me feel like I mattered. Remove that, and I suddenly had to answer a question I spent years avoiding: if nobody needs me, who am I?

I wish I could tell you I have an answer now, but I don't.

What I do know is that God has been stripping away things I thought I couldn't live without, and every time I tried to hold on tighter, He somehow remained patient enough to let me learn the hard way.

I still don't know where my life is going. I still miss people. I still grieve dreams that quietly died without anyone noticing. I still compare where I am to where I thought I'd be, and I still have days when I wonder if I'm behind everyone else.

But maybe that's because I've been measuring my life with a ruler God never handed me.

So here's to another year of becoming someone I never planned to be. The stubbornness is slowly giving way, the pride is getting harder to defend, and for the first time in a long time, I think God is winning arguments I didn't even know I was having with Him.

I thought I'd be someone else by now.

Maybe that's exactly why God brought me here instead.

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