Suddenly I know.

• The fear that I can feel in my stomach.

It’s paralyzing. As if I’m standing on the top of Titlis, looking down unable to move. I can’t remember which leg is which and there is no way I can control my body to ski all the way down. I don’t remember any other time I was this scared.

————————-

Burn out.

• May.

The first symptoms of a severe burn out are here. I’m suddenly unable to paint. My mind is blank. I can’t even look at the artwork. First thing to do... i decide to visit an art museum to get some inspiration. It’s one of my favorite artists being shown as well. Marlene Dumas. Alright! Let’s get inspired to finish this.
I go inside, look through the drawings on the walls, the paintings and feel boredom.

• This is strange.

This shouldn’t be happening.
I should be inspired and be lifted up... ok, no need to panic. There is still enough time...I think.
How much time do I have???
Let’s try something else.

I go home. I crawl into bed and start watching movies.

Something old, something new, something scary, something blue. In that order.

—————

A week rashes by.

I go to the studio and finish that painting. By changing it completely. The rocket trace is gone. The browns are changed to the ultramarine. The cloud of smoke I worked so much on is reduced to a few white lines. Then, the grass springs up. It’s beautiful, almost real. It’s a strange and beautiful work, but it lacks something. I rack my brain and come up with the Super Mario Star.

I start on the next painting. I’ll finish it. Show it here. It feels like I can keep on going. Then comes the final exam and the summer exhibition.

• Suddenly I know I’ve burned out.

July 29th, 2018