Lost.

Recently it has felt for me like the world has just somehow forgotten about my existence in general.
I've been and i am at the point where i feel like I'm losing everything I deem precious to me especially my MIND and there just isn't anything I can do about it.

Crying is becoming like a daily routine. No matter how hard I try to focus on staying positive and try to count my blessings, it just is so difficult.

What is my problem, you ask? How much time you got? Lol

Early this year i fell terribly sick and fell behind on paying my loan. A loan that was given to me to fund my business...
A business that is only doing fairly well, due to change in purchase pattern of people right now since the corona virus.

But then the bank don't care... they be breathing down my neck of which i understand they have their orders and stuff.
Then they serve me a letter in June, giving me time to pay up over a thousand dollars equivalent amount. . .

I wish it was that easy.
Then i get a call from the hospital contacting me about a test i took. A cervical cancer test... Why not at this point!
What is this life?? Here i am trying to survive one thing and in comes another. . .
And another . . .
I was only trying to get home that night on 28th August 2021 when i got robbed off everything i had on me before being pushed out of a moving vehicle. . . My online business that i already struggle with gone along with the phone, with no hope to get a new phone yet coz whatever i have gets taken up by the bank so i never even had savings for emergency.
At that point, that night i was like this is it.
Every time something bad/sad happens i picture myself fallen with my back hitting the ground hard, i always get up and keep it moving.
But this time around its like, I'm just going to lie here till whenever. Coz!!!!!!

I feel so unhappy. So scared coz I'm not even living for me. I'm living and making just so much to pay a debt.
I struggle to find a reason to smile and i know what you may say..
"You're alive, that counts" OR
"Some have it worse than you, you'll be okay"
All of the above are true but i guess im blinded by pain so i don't see it. Neither do i compare my issues to another coz it doesnt make mine less troublesome to my soul. It doesn't.
And yes i am alive, and it's amazing. But what has that brought me...

I just feel really lost, you know.
I'm only just existing and it drains me everyday.
I just truly want to be happy again.
I want to find something that makes me excited about being alive...

So... I don't know, if you have some words of encouragement, an experience you dont mind sharing...lol. Just something! Anything!! Please leave em in the comment.