untitled.

I'm doing something different today. I haven't written in a very long time. And the reason for that is, well, quite simply, I've been pretty fucking depressed. Haha, I hate just blurting this out, but that's just how I've been. When I get like this, I tend to move away from everything that interests me. I stop hanging out with my friends, I stop enjoying anything I normally enjoy, I want to stay home, draw the blinds and cross my fingers really hard, hoping everyone I know will forget my phone number. Unfortunately they never do.

And you'd think after all these years of dealing with the ups and downs of being me, I'd know when I am depressed and I need to change shit or talk to someone. But nope. At 33 years of age, I still don't really know how to handle this clusterfuck. And it really is a clusterfuck because I can feel a cluster in my chest and I fucking hate it. The worst about it is I don't know why it's here, how it got here and why it won't go away.

It could be a multitude of things:

• I don't exercise
• I haven't managed to fulfill my quitting of the smoking
• I am completely unmotivated to do anything
• I'm a pretty shitty friend
• I'm getting older
• I am not married, I don't have children, and I don't think it's happening anytime soon
• I have terrible dental health... or am overall unhealthy
• I feel trapped at my job (like every one else, I know, big whoop)
• I am still renting because I still haven't grown up enough to save money for a home (aside from throwing it into crypto)
• I still haven't finished the project I have been working on for nearly two years, I can't stop procrastinating
• I increasingly feel shittier at coding because I am getting older?
• I am shit at keeping in touch with my family
• I still haven't found a therapist I can stomach
• I feel pretty fucking weak because I haven't had a week at work without crying this year
• I'm not getting better at being a SCRUM master

Feeling all those things turn me into a this OCD monster that literally tears her hair out so I've lost most of my hair over the last few months, after 2 years of working so hard to make it healthy again after my last period like this. I haven't been taking care of myself because I basically feel like shit, so I might as well look like it too. My boyfriend tried to get me to get nails done and I haven't even done that. Not sure why. Just haven't. Maybe it's easier to be sad than happy.

So here we go again, let's try therapy again. I always feel like it's a waste of money. But I want to give it a try again, and not think about how much it's costing me. Because that ends up being something I have to stress about. But mental health is priceless, right?