Word Vomit.

I went on a word spill to a friend of mine. It was a long voice recorded message with a lot of tears and heartache. It was the most honest I had been with anybody in a while and this simple act triggered a chain reaction for the rest of the day. I was honest with everyone, well, as honest as I can be and I refused to forget the feeling I had of letting go without overthinking. I tend to count my words because, ‘whatever you say will be used against you in the court of life’. This is a true story. We trust people and what we confided becomes the weapon to bring us down. But I trust this woman and so, I went on a whole spill that provoked tears.

God made humans to be social creatures. Isolation is not good for anyone and science proves that lack of social interaction has its side effects on overall human behaviour. So, feeling lonely isn’t part of God’s design for any human being. If you feel lonely, it’s most likely that you are and most likely that you feel that way because you aren’t (honestly) talking to anyone. The truth is, if I had the opportunity to talk, I would. I used to have girlfriends before life happened but then…life happened. It is easier to just spill woman to woman, especially a woman who comes from the same walk of life with you.

It has been years since I had any deep conversation with any woman and not feel like shit because I wasn’t being completely honest. I have been hurt by mostly my female friends than I have by males (these ones can’t disappoint me because I always expect nothing from them. I love them but…they are men). I bare myself to my friends and most times, I go out of my way for them. That changed a whole lot two years ago. Now, I feel like my jadedness won’t allow me genuine friendships with women my age. I miss girl talk, gossip and just fun. There are things I can’t do by myself you know.

If I go any further than this, I fear I will be shooting myself in the foot. It’s past 3am and I’m mentally and emotionally wrekt but writing helps me in ways talking doesn’t. I am sure that a few days from now, I will have something different to say. I just…I have been thinking, wondering if I can get past this and build genuine relationships with people with zero expectations. It’s something I want to (desperately) do but I don’t know where to start or how. It feels like I’m in a stagnant, smelly pond. It is exhausting. But I am hopeful.