Settling

I have been enjoying Alix Generous, an outspoken woman with Aspergers, and advocate for neurodiversity, science, and unique minds. She has an incredible sense of humor and I split a gut laughing at her TED talk. I went to her website and found other videos and have been taking them one by one, slowly. As I watch, I am certain I too am on the Autism spectrum. It is interesting because I know that many women especially are misdiagnosed with another mental illness, like bipolar, when they possibly just have Aspergers. I think in my case I probably do have a dual diagnosis, because medications have worked for me, or at least they keep me from the worst of the suffering.

But I am still feeling the disabling nature of mental illness. I live in a world where I push myself to be like others, and that often means I pursue something outside of myself, like trying to go to graduate school or wanting to do something that I can tell others I have done, like taking a surfing workshop in San Diego. The thing is, I really am just barely getting along/by much of the time. I am just holding my head above water. These attempts "out" or at proving myself are really self defeating. Looking into intentional communities in Missouri, planning to intern with my friend in her homestead in the Ozarks, no matter how noble the cause, my plans are too much. I am best if I just "am disabled" and stay in Bristol. The best thing I can do for me is to swim every day at the YMCA, do my chores religiously, be sure and walk the dogs each day, and relax on the front porch as a meditative ritual.

If I stretch my pennies, I almost can make it work out with the pennies that I stretch. The disability check is not much, but all of these pursuits that I conventionally have been trying for to try to be more worthy are making me less happy. I am the same person no matter what I do. I could climb Kilimanjaro but I would still be me. I could not climb anything and I would once again be the same person I was when I started. Proving myself, living up to a standard I have in my mind of success based on able bodied people I know is not worth my time.

I can write. I write. I can meditate. I mediate. I can swim. I swim. I can do silly art that rare kind people adore. I do art. I also can do art that sits in a folder and collects dust. I do.

This that I am telling you is what I need to tell myself. You are the kind of person who draws that out of someone, so you should be proud. I am going to write a version of this and post it all over my house, in front of my computer where I often "surf" plane tickets and get away plans.

I'll put one on my mirror too. Here is the whole point. We don't escape here. If we dig our heals into what and who we are, into where we are, if we settle in and sometimes just settle, we stop fighting and peace wins. If peace wins in us than we do become the joyful person we really wanted in the first place.