Forever an illusion

I won’t forget
All the moments to love you
All the things I said
All the time I wasted
All the nights spent behind a screen
All the times you had to fall asleep alone

As the final seconds ticked
I stood behind & peeked
As if through blurry lenses
Tears glistening in my eyes

Diamond notches of wood
I knew it could be the last time I saw you.
As of now it was, and I’ll never forget

You never looked back
You left head held high
You were strong
You were angry
You needed independence

I wanted to believe
I hadn’t already lost you
I wanted you to love me
I needed you to love me
I wanted to keep you to myself
I wanted control

I realize now how foolish that was
How foolish it always is.
When you want somebody so bad
That you think you can force it
Like the honeymoon never ends

Thoughts and actions
That broke us apart
Were sowed ; So very early on.
Seeds of sadness
Planted, tended, illuminated
In a garden showered in tears.

I wish I didn’t know
some of the things I know.
The first day we made love
I was just another fuck
But so were you.

I’m haunted by these thoughts
The idea of a family,
& your family becoming mine
The person I thought that you were
The people I thought we were becoming

Because you were my everything,
I hope that you find love again
I hope that you get to feel
The sun From both sides

Although you wont acknowledge
I still exist, living & breathing
I hold out hope for a day
I finally get that hug goodbye