Caring for the One Who Never Cared (Quite Right)

These days, everyone calls everyone a narcissist, and that should not make us forget that there are some really deranged people out there and some serious suffering.

But living daily with someone on the narcissistic spectrum isn't always about physical violence or manipulation. Sometimes, it's just subtle, constant, and confusing — especially when that person is your mom.

Mine is 87, sweet to the world, and totally unaware of others. She's not cruel or calculating — she just doesn’t see. And I’ve come back to live with her and care for her, so I get a front-row seat to the strange ballet of good intentions and emotional blind spots.

I work from home — I teach French online. After explaining how it works (a dozen times or so), she eventually stopped coming to stand next to me in front of the camera or interrupting with questions… well, most of the time anyway. She's 87, so of course some of it is just age-related too.

Today’s story, I’ll share as a little dialogue:

Mom: Your cousin called, she is coming to visit at 5pm.

Me: …

Mom: You don’t hear me? (SHE is a bit deaf)

Me: (I am in front of her) I don’t know what to say. I have a lesson at 5pm. Why is this happening again?

Mom:... (doesn’t understand)

Me: Why wasn't I consulted on that?

Mom: …

Me: You are going to speak in the living room. How can I do my lesson?

Mom: I didn’t know you had a lesson.

Me: You could ask.

Mom: You were not here.

Me: So, that is really a good reason? There is really no way you could check with me? Every day I hear you complaining to people over the phone that I don’t want to speak with you… Over the phone!

Mom: I don’t do that.

Me: Sure! Anyway, you could call me.

Mom: But it’s not a problem…

Me:... (I don't know what to say any more)