just venting a bit, for a change

i hate feeling this again.

this feeling of drifting away while feeling anchored. anchored by myself. by my own damn self. what am i even doing? what am i trying to achieve? i just want easy for a change. simple and easy. just once.

been telling everyone i want to do things my way. but... what is "my way" anyway? am i looking for reasons not to go? or to stay a little bit longer?

am i longing for something that may not happen? again? am i wasting time? am i wasting opportunities? am i missing signals? am i wasting my life and my 20s away?

i still ask myself every morning in the mirror: "what do you want?".
my answer's always the same: "i just want to have a good day".
whatever that means.

i might be losing myself again. im kinda scared.

i thought i had finally made a decision. apparently, i was wrong. again.