Journal From a Submariner XIV

DATE 10SEP10, 0737
I have not been thinking much lately. I have tried to stop thinking all together. When I do think I end up freaking myself out. I start breathing all heavy, and panicking. I’m sure if I could cry I would cry, but for some reason I seem to have lost the ability for true sadness. My heart, and soul have grown cold. Not wanting to think has made me sleep more, to get out of my own head and into darkness.
When my rack spits me out, I lie there, and force myself back to sleep. Although it may only be a couple hours, that has become my cherished time on the boat, in the time machine. My rack is uncomfortable, and short in length, I have to sleep in a ball. I love it there. That little coffin they give us to call our own, my how it becomes our home away from home.
I wrote a really good line yesterday in a poem, and I can’t wait to show it to you. It’s the one about being priceless so when you read this you’ll have to search for it in the poems I give you.
I told you in an email recently, but I have been dreaming a lot lately. It’s weird because I went 4 or 5 years without remembering any dreams, and now I am having one every night. Some are vague when I wake up, and I can’t remember the exact things that happen, but I remember dreaming the night before.
I am scared for our marriage right now because I haven’t been able to talk to you and let you hear my voice and how much I love you, and I haven’t heard your voice to hear how much you love me.
I hope this goes by a faster after this mission is over. I have to relieve the watch right now, I’ll try to think of something good while I’m up there to write when I get off.
Love you, forever and always, love babe.