Thinking of Home

Thinking of home ...
This has been a big, maybe the biggest topic for me last year.
I've been a nomad for so long now, even before I moved into the van 3 years ago I had moved house a lot of times (I just counted and it's been 9 different places during the 10 years of my 20s).

I struggled a lot with the desire to finally settle somewhere.
To have a place where I can fully be myself, where I feel safe and welcome, where I can create a space for myself, where I can build and grow.
Especially last year this desire really haunted me and I was very sad a lot of the time.

But every struggle has a gift hidden in itself, an invitation to grow.
I still want to settle somewhere and create that special place for myself, but I've learned to be patient, to take one step at a time and enjoy myself in the Now, instead of longing for something in the future so desperately.

Also I found that the feeling of safety that I associate so much with "home" is something I actually can find in myself, which is also much more sustainable than everything I could create on the outside.

This is where I'm at now, but the painting was actually created in a moment where I felt this heavy feeling of longing and sadness so strongly. And self-pity actually, because I didn't already have what I wanted so badly and I couldn't let go.

This painting, and also the other two that are part of this series, is so very close to my heart. It is basically a portrait of myself in a special state of being, the expression of a deep feeling that accompanied me over a long time.

Art really can be like therapy and I'd like to think that making this artwork helped me to let go, to go on and to transform this feeling into something more useful and enjoyable.

I truly believe we have the choice to keep or let go of thoughts and feelings (like we can let go of a balloon in our hand and let it fly away), it's just a long and hard process to learn how to make use of that choice.

I got a little timelapse video for you (with ukulele music played by myself), where you can see the painting process, how I used a photo of me as a reference for the pullover and how I tinkered about with the idea of the house, before it finally found its place on top of the hat.

I did some editing in Affinity Photo afterwards, but actually not a lot, just some tiny little embellishments.

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