LIFE AT 19

When I was little I always wonder how does it feels like being an adult.
Working and earning for yourself and future. Is it draining? Is it exciting?
Or both?

Way back on grade school, I am always part of officers of the class, Vice President, Secretary or a Peace Officer. I always thought maybe when I grow up life will always be like our classroom, easy to control. With a use of pen, and the name of our Teacher, those noisy will shut up. Those who's stressing me will stop.

Not until I reach highschool, at the age of 14, life is testing me. The young me, now starting to wish to turn back time. I said, maybe life is not for me.

I remember begging that man not to leave, but like what I have seen on movies, he mercilessly leave me and my Mom, miserably. The person whom I call father, is the first man who break me.

Struggling everyday but I still continue to live. I can sense that I'm slowly losing interest to the things that excites me before, again I was just 14, but too exhausted of everything.

I told myself, I don't see this coming. I always think of life like a wonderful playground with rainbows and cotton candies, but it vanished when he left me.

Somehow at your dull moments and dark days, something will show you a light. At 15, I started writing on Wattpad, sharing my struggles and experiences through writing. With that, I found my therapy. With writing I can vent all my hatred and whys. I can cry and burst out using a pen, well, there's still similarities from grade school to highschool, I still use pen to control, to survive, to live.

Most of my days and hours are spent online. It gives me peace, and I needed that silence. The lively 8 years old me that's always active on class, and has friends, is too far from what I am now, I'm not into relationships and friendships, at 16. I'm still the same silent, introvert girl on the class. I mastered being happy, alone. It suffocates me to be around people as well, I love silence.

And now at 19, I somehow figured out what life is. Adulting is not funny at all.
Though If I have one thing I am proud of, I managed it all alone. All the traumas and sleepless nights will all be paid off, maybe not now but soon. I know I am still far from what I supposed to be, but the good thing here is I am on the process, I am moving. I am surviving.

Life at 19 is still molding me, and making me ready to face life at 20. And the following years ahead of me.