deep-thoughts Tag Posts Index

Disenchantment

I heard this word for the first time from my father. Big words are thrown around him a lot and I picked up on all of them. But one time, I got embarrassed because

genius

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works

where

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he’s going?! - Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts,

getting

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting! - Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts, 1992 [

impressions

Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?

dive

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know. - Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts, 1992 [

movie

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they’re making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running

size

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. - Jack

rabbit

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran away like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away

weeding

If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised. - Jack

straddle

Here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go “Whoa! Whoa!” and flail your arms around, like you’re

forgive

If you’re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that

cheese

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break

ride

If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath and hold on for the ride of your life. - Jack Handey. Deep

supper

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?” - Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts,

warlike

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick “Americans” as their mascot. - Jack Handey.

wish

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

solder

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something

preen

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. - Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts, 1992 [

fireworks

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject. - Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts,