Unstable

This Word Describes Me Best Right Now

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I have suffered from depression for a long time but I am deeper in its grasp than I have been for years. I have reasons, more than I can name. It makes me lethargic, steals my joy, colors my perceptions, and clouds my thinking. It leads to really bad decisions.

The worst part of all this is it is self reinforcing. I know what the solution is. I have to get up. I have to take action. But the depression keeps me still and the stillness keeps me depressed.

Recently, my cloudy perceptions led me to do something stupid. I was a part of something awesome and I threw it away. I didn't do this because I didn't want to be a part of it. I did it because I was trapped in a kind of circle in my mind. It is all rather complicated to explain to someone who isn't living in my head.

I probably alienated a few people. I may have permanently damaged a few relationships. I generally looked like an asshole. What makes it all really stupid is I could have avoided all this if i had talked to a few people and been honest about my mental state and where my thoughts were leading me.

Now What?

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Hopefully something good can come of this. After I jumped to full retard I was really embarrassed. This may have woke me up. I was forced to examine how stupid I was being. Once I faced that I had to try to pick up the pieces. I don't know if I was successful and I still feel like an ass. I doubt I could be an ASAPER again. Honestly, why would they want me to? I've proven myself to be an ass. Also, I would feel awkward. But the important thing is, I finally got off my ass.

This is the first post I have written in quite a while. I have posted a few songs and beats here and there, but I have written nothing. I just couldn't... Knowing this also amplified my depression. Now though, I am back. I'm done taking this shit laying down. I have a life. I have loved ones. I have valuable relationships. I'm not going to let depression steal all this from me. I'm not going to let depression take the income I can generate on Steem away from me.

I Am Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other

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Ultimately that is the silver bullet that kills the monster that is depression. Action. Followed by more action. Even if what you do fails. Even if you do something stupid. Depression can not win if you simply get moving. I am moving now and I don't intend to stop.

If you like what you read here then please give it an upvote and a resteem. Follow @wdougwatson to keep up with my journey to freedom.

Until next time, Keep Steeming!