Sometimes There Is No Silver Lining

One of my recent Zoom classes was on the topic of writing grievances. There is a lot to be said for the practice of writing shit how it is without sugarcoating. Toxic positivity trends encourage us to find silver linings in every bad experience, and when we don't find one, it turns out we're "doing it wrong." We are bad thinkers who aren't trying hard enough and are bringing everyone else down.

No.

That is simply not true.

Sometimes thoughts are hard because things are hard, and it is not a failing to not see something good when, say, your teenage son dies in a car accident.

Seem specific? It's because this happened to my very best friend. I have the honored position of being a person who gets to witness her grief. There is no good that came from her son's death.

If you're a person who wants to argue there might be something good later we just can't see, please stop reading and don't comment. That kind of thinking is the toxic positivity I'm talking about. Sometimes we need to feel what is happening RIGHT NOW. Not look for what might be the case down the road. Getting through NOW requires a lot of grit, especially when every breath of now is one your child is not breathing.

Toxic positivity asks us to move out of the present and buy into a future that may not exist. I don't think the pain of loss will even disappear. It may ease, but that's not right now, so why put my energy there. Right now, it hurts, and that's okay.

It's okay to hurt.

It's okay for things to suck.

It's okay to feel grief.

It's all part of the human experience. So let's stop pretending to smile when things are bad. Of course faking it till you make it can be helpful and warranted, but so is knowing where we are.