risks (and quotes)

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ― Anais Nin

This is one of my favourite quotes and seems so aptly appropriate of late. I have been stupidly playing the what if game. One that I know has no winners and only losers. As I think about how, when, where or why I have depression etc I wonder sometimes what difference it makes. I like to understand things but sometimes I am not sure this is a good thing. After watching the video about BPD and it's traits it helped me but it also made me hyper-aware of several things. I started to feel stuck within my own head again.
So when trying to be completely honest to myself I have to be honest with others. Telling someone how I feel about them is absolutely terrifying. As @ratticus said it is part of the deal with love. I know that loving someone opens myself up to being hurt. Regardless of if I tell the person how I feel about them or not once I have let them into my heart then I have exposed myself to the potential of both being loved and being hurt.
I have run away so many times before from these situations. Better that I leave before they leave me right? But then all I can think of is "A life lived in fear is a life half lived" (from strictly ballroom but probably has older origins).
A pattern of taking risks and being hurt so deeply is all I see. Too many names of people I can list who I let close and then they walked away for reasons sometimes I don't even know. Now I'm stuck being scared for caring too deeply if that is even possible.
I really hope I don't regret taking this risk again because I don't think I could handle another heartbreak.

I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit - Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover, Lethal Weapon)