The voice I can't silence

Can I Be Heard?

I am going through a lot, but I would love to talk about this one—uncertainty.

I remember five, six years ago, how enthusiastic I was about myself, my dreams, my goals. I remember how happy I would be if I was able to write a couple of things down. I also remember being in the room, reading aloud my own writing because it felt so unreal that I could compose a good write-up that people would love.

I wanted so badly to be able to speak and write to people, to connect with people. But there’s this fear, this voice I couldn't shake off. This voice was always—and still is—there:

Can I do this?
Will this fit me?
Will anyone listen?

It got bad when I found out I was invisible to most people. No one listens when I talk. This is a very painful feeling. I have cried and prayed, asked God why—why is this happening to me? Why did You create me if I wasn't going to be heard?

I remember trying to take my life, but I couldn't do it. Somewhere, somehow within me, I believed I would be heard one day. I believed that I’m a great person, that I just have to go through tough times to be great—just like gold.

Countless times I have heard, “It doesn't fit you.”
This sentence is like a sword that pierces through my heart. It shatters every little courage I have mustered up.

But why?
Why doesn't it fit me?
Why does it have to fit a specific group of people?
Why can't I do it too?
What fits me—folding my arms and letting my dreams die?

Gradually, I let insecurity, low self-esteem, lack of courage, and uncertainty take over me. I just kept living—living life, but not the way I wanted to.

I really can't wait to be heard, to be listened to, to do things that don't fit me, to not care about words that are meant to shatter me. I can't wait to escape—to leave this prison that I have locked myself in, to look the world in the face and tell it I have conquered.

I can't wait to conquer.

But here comes the voice again—

CAN I?

N/B; The pictures I used are mine
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