How to Change an Abuser

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." ~ Tony Robbins

How does one accomplish this when in an abusive relationship? You’ve tried everything and your partner gets better for a moment or two. Then you hear the fateful crunch of an eggshell cracking under one wrong word or tone of voice and things blow up worse than they’d ever been before. You’ve read all the books on boundaries, protecting your energy, appeasing your partner. You’ve changed almost everything about yourself and it hasn’t been enough.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, the only change you can make to fix things is to escape. Doing so can feel and often be catastrophic. You might lose the remaining support persons your abuser hadn’t already isolated you from. You might end up living in a domestic shelter, an unfamiliar and foreign environment where you don’t know the rules. Your abuser might drain the bank accounts, make threats, tell them they will kill themselves, stalk you, or even play nice.

Abusers are skilled at reeling you in. They’ve spent the relationship learning your weaknesses and will exploit every one of them in an attempt to regain control. Because of this it is important to have something to run to not just something to run from.

There’s no reason for your abuser to change as long as you stay in a relationship with them. It is working for them. You can’t safely stand up to an abuser while remaining in close relationship with them. Abuse always escalates. Even if you get an apology and short lull after attempting to set boundaries it will return worse.

What you need to know though, is that there are resources. It is messy but you can do this. Your abuser will not get better or stop abusing as long as they are getting what they want (you staying). I hope you find a way to escape.