An Insecure Source of Motivation | Inkwell Prompt 45

“I think you’re getting a bit arrogant when you said that”

He looks at me a little bit annoyed. Perhaps he was annoyed that I dared to mention the obvious. “At least I have something to brag about. How about you?”

I was stunned to even speak. I felt embarrassed. It was the first time someone told me, condescendingly, about my insufficiencies and incapacities.

Thor is my high school classmate. Yes, his name - the god of thunder, suits him well. We were talking about how conceited he is when he got a high score in Mathematics, while I flunked. He shoves in my face that he is better than I am. So I called out his attitude.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Our friendship has never been the same since then. His statement left me with a scar that I should succeed in life no matter what, so I can prove to him that I too have something to be proud of.

For years, all I am thinking about is to surpass him. At the back of my mind, I wanted to make sure that when a high school reunion is set, I will return the favor to him that I made it in life. I want to prove my abilities, my capacities, and my worth.

Little did I know that my desire for revenge is getting the best of me. And I did not even acknowledge it at first! I thought it was a healthy desire until I found myself thinking evil thoughts against him. I wanted him to fail just because I wanted to surpass him.

And it dawned on me… This should not be! This is not me!

When I graduated from College, I stumbled upon him. By that time, by college students’ standards, I know I have made it well. I graduated with Latin honors, gained the respect of the school community, was a full scholar with a stipend, and was a school leader. In case he stirs me up for old times’ sake, I have something to retaliate.

Then he told me, a bit ashamed, that he wasn’t able to make it to college. Life has been tough on him. He got married early and carried the weight of having little mouths to feed.

However, I can sense that he is happy. He has a happy family, he is content. Life is hard, but he got a wife that got his back. He has his kids which brings him motivation.

I did not even bother to mention my accomplishments. If life between us is a competition, I feel like I am still lagging behind him. Once again, I felt like a loser.

I was depending on a false sense of motivation. I sought to get even. I want revenge. While my classmate has already moved on in his life, I am holding on to something that slowly takes away my joy and satisfaction. I failed to notice that my attitude toward him snatches my opportunity to look at life more positively. Life is not meant as a competition. Life is meant to be cooperation.

I have already forgiven Thor for the pain he caused me. I feel a lot better now. I have moved on from the desire to get even. I consider him again as a friend. And now, my motivation is to have the same disposition as him - that no matter how tough life may be, I can still find contentment and happiness because of the people surrounding me.