7/25/25

The usual is on the mind constantly. Family, money, bills, future, past, goals, regrets, worries. Glob of stress. Like a nasty slimy ball of yuck. Clogging the soul. It's ridiculous how many thoughts can race through a brain at once. It feels like dead weight on the brain. It's amazing I've only ever had one panic attack in my life. I can't believe it's already nearly August. I should probably start buying presents for Christmas.

My son is getting older, and I'm still a mostly unimpressive father, I freak out about this practically 24/7. Even in my dreams I feel as though I freak out about it.

I feel like my dreams only get more intense as I get older. Not sure if that's what naturally happens as you get older, or it's stress related or what. I always sort of assumed as you get older dreams would dull. I feel like my dreams have only gotten more vivid and weird as I age. My dreams never came this often when I was younger, and never this crazy or realistic. So real that when I wake up, I am confused for like a full sixty seconds as to what is going on. Waking up not really remembering what's what. I wonder if this is what Dementia or Alzheimer's is like. Those sixty seconds of not having a clue what is real, or even who you are, but permanent. I don't mean to offend or assume anything about these diseases. I'm just rambling.

Is this what being an adult is like? Panic practically 24/7? I am determined though, I am so determined. Disappointed, yet determined. It's a jarring duality. Exhausting.

I struggle a lot, I hope the end result is something good. Either way, I'm going for it that's for sure. I hope one day it all makes sense.