My Lamentations And Frustrations

I am still crazy to want and to need to get better, my backbone in particular is still in pain which is why I am always lying on my bed. I just wanted to die if I would get paralyzed if it would break or something and the pain is like what happened to my feet which are now a useless part of my body because I could not walk with them normally anymore.

It is just sad that it came already into this but I am not surprised because my parathyroid is still hyperactive otherwise I will improve much plus I could not tolerate taking my Cinacalcet twice a day everyday and if I do I would not be able to eat because of its nauseating side-effect that causes me of not enjoying food or worse being able to eat for that matter.

Then if I would take my pain medicine it would work for a while to shed some pain a way and then it will lose its efficacy making me have to take it again. I really do not want to take it everyday because it has a bad side-effect like gut lesions and the destruction of red blood cells which is not good for me. That is why I am just taking my NSAID pain medicine twice a week only.

So my what I am doing if I would like to use the bathroom so I can move around at least is to take some pain reliever prior because it is awfully hard to move when you are in pain with your feet's joints and knees not to mention breathing easy easy as before.

I think that my longing to die is valid because of these recent changes changes to my body particularly to my backbone and facial bone. All I needed is just a relief but it seems that it is not coming anytime soon considering that I am doing all to improve my well-being but the opposite is happening to me instead.

This is a kind of metamorphosis where the end result is not changing into a beautiful butterfly but a miseried ugly grub with pain issues, that is what is I am experiencing, the opposite is what is happening. I am so crazy just wanting to live more years to my life like this where it seems hopeless for my medical dreams to come true.

But what I am afraid for is dying a lingering death which is why I always wanting to go for my unending dialysis treatments just to save myself from drowning in my own body fluids and suffering from lingering pain. I know that it is just a punch in the moon for me to recover fully which is why I needed all the prayers that I can get and the mercy of God so that I can taste on how to be normal again.