My 4 Year Anniversary Part 2: a continued reflection

Married life felt no different. We were already living together. Almost exactly a year after we got married, I got pregnant. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying. That sounds ridiculous, but it's true. It was a pretty amazing pregnancy, and I’m not bragging, I really hope it doesn't sound like that. just telling my personal, honest experience. I loved my growing belly, my waddle, wearing tight shirts to show off my belly! It also felt as if I fell more in love with Bo, he lucked out for those 38 weeks and a day! I was never irritated with him! Feeling the baby kick, going to all the appointments, really enjoying food- it was a good time for us. When it was possible to determine find out the baby's sex, there was an itty bitty problem. I love surprises, but at the same time I cannot wait for the surprise. Bo can. He wanted to wait until the baby was born. I could not wait that long! We tried to compromise, agree on a certain month when we would find out. That didn't work! I wanted to know so badly! I forgot what the compromise was, but he ended up surprising me in July with a gender reveal party with family and friends. I don't know why, but I felt like it was a boy. When pink balloons came out of the box I was in total shock.

It felt like, oh crap, the pressure is all on me! I started thinking about how I was going to be a positive role model with all my flaws and bad habits and insecurities and failures. I was freaking out! How do I raise a strong, kind, loving, accepting, smart female? I can't do this! I am not strong! All these negative, self-deprecating thoughts made me so anxious. I have always had low self-esteem, talked down to myself, people pleased, the list goes on. It has gotten better as I've gotten older, but it's not entirely gone. I admit I still have work to do in that area. Then it dawned on me, I wasn’t doing this alone! I have a great husband and person in general, to share the responsibility with. Also, if I wanted my daughter to be all those things, then I had to really lose the negative self-talk and more. Children learn by seeing, so I should at least “act as if” I feel I’m not such and such or if I think I can’t do something. They are always watching, especially and exclusively parents/caretakers the first few years of life! So, I should be kinder to myself for me, and for my daughter. Plus, I feel that any little bit of positivity spread in this world can be beneficial in general!