To be or not to be?

I keep hoping that this thing called life will finally make sense. I'm hoping that I will piece these absurdities together and get a victory. Now to the order of the day, and the reason why we woke up today. Let the search begin.

Let's start searching for that thing we know nothing of, for the prized asset we dream about but keeps you up at night. The irony of immense value lost in a sea of faces.

Where do I begin? Let me start on the street, the place where dreams are made and broken. It is a vast ocean that is salted by the unending stream of tears from those who failed the cause. Abandoned and broken, all they can do is wallow in torment.

What's the point of all this torment? I ponder, drinking alcohol silently in my quiet corner with no light in sight. It's baffling how life is a rat race to gather as much as we can, yet we leave with nothing.

I feel numb, I mean absolute nothingness sometimes. not sad, not happy, I mean nothing. And then the inevitable questions about my mental well-being pop up; you know those frustrating "are you ok?' that makes me feel worse, most of the time because I literally don't feel.

Then like a thief in the night, the feelings come crashing down on me, taking me by surprise and dumping a heavy load on my heart. I self medicate with alcohol and it works. Then the health experts tell me that the juice is going to kill me but I wonder, isn't that like the essence of everything? Isn't that the endgame?

Oh well, at some point I'll find out what I am, what I want to be or what I am not. Until then, I'll just have these open ended statements, questions and reservations about life.