Another letter to Amanda

Dear Amanda, as always I hope you're doing well wherever you are. I'm sorry that I didn't send this letter when I usually do. I was extremely sick in a hospital for around half a month and then was extremely sick and then weak in a rehab center for around a month and now I've been home for close to another month and I'm slowly getting stronger.

It was pretty bad, I felt like I might die almost every day for quite a while there... I thought about you a lot... And… I feel like I'm more able to relate to what you were going through and understand more than ever and I wish I had this kind of perspective before when I was talking to you as I just didn't understand nearly as much as I do now and I still don't because what you were dealing with was a lot worse... But, now I have more of an idea and it's incredibly difficult and my heart continues to go out to you forever.

I'm still struggling and it's probably going to take me a long time to get back to somewhat normal… Though, thankfully I should be able to make a complete recovery... I have a lot of inspiration to work with as I want to make a video about my experience which hopefully helps inspire others who are going through tough times and I was on an epic once in many lifetimes kind of adventure before I got sick that I really want to get back to! Plus, I just have a much deeper level of self love now and in the end that's really the only motivation I need... Just to try to heal and get better because I love myself.

I also had another issue recently which was very difficult and I feel like I came within a couple inches of a serious injury or even dying and have been dealing with other significant challenges as well, things sure have been rough lately! I'm very grateful I'm not as depressed as I was before or I'm not sure I would have made it... I'm trying to stay optimistic and am hopeful some good things will happen before too long.

Sometimes I kinda feel like you're watching over me like a guardian angel and helping me and I wish I could have helped you more... I still feel guilty at times that I didn't know better and didn't do more... Though, I'm trying to forgive myself because I know I did my best with what I knew at the time and with the understanding and awareness I had and that if I knew better I would have done better, but I just didn't know so I should try to be easier on myself because I don't think I should punish myself for what I didn't know.

Part of me feels like I should have known, that somehow I should have almost been like psychic or something or just that I should have been able to predict and see better, yet... I realize that is unrealistic and a sort of impossible burden to put on myself and I dunno... It's tough. Life sure is tough sometimes and not at all how I would have thought it would be when I was younger.

The day before I got out of rehab one of our friends posted a picture of you on Facebook that I had never seen before and it made me cry... I didn't see it until the actual day I was being released to come home and the timing was just hard to believe... It felt like a sign, it still does and I think always will kill me that you're not here physically, I do believe you're there in spirit though and that's very comforting.

There's not much to report in other areas of my life as I've just been absolutely consumed with how sick I was and trying to heal... I guess one thing is that when I was in the hospital/rehab I feel like a number of the women who worked there were flirting with me, maybe they were just being nice... Yet, they were saying things like that I was cute and handsome and one lady even said she thought I looked like her ex husband and that she wanted to break me out of there and take me to Disneyland, lol...

I don't really feel cute or handsome, I feel extremely unattractive and weak and skinny... However, it was nice to hear and I started to feel like I really deserve love again even if I'm so messed up in so many ways and have been treated so poorly by pretty much all the women I fell in love with except for you. I've been on the dating sites again since I got home, though most women seem to ignore me after a few messages and I just feel "over it" again and am much more focused on just being happy being alone and working on my flaws.

Maybe someone will like me if I start making more money and improve my OCD. Though, if not... Oh well. At least I tried and I love myself so much now that I don't need anyone else anymore.

I have a lot of dreams and goals and I hope to have the opportunity to reach some of them someday and I'll do my best! :) But, this recent illness has reminded me more than ever that that could all change really fast and maybe that stuff won't ever happen... So, I just try to be grateful each day and I have a mantra sort of thing I repeat numerous times a day that I'll share with you.

Throughout the day and night when I have time and remember I say... "Thank you universe for another opportunity to be here with my parents, the rest of my family, my friends, myself, this amazing adventure and each breath." Then I take at least 3 deep breaths and focus on being grateful for each breath and I say, "I'm grateful and I'm grateful to be grateful, I'm thankful and thankful to be thankful" and it brings me so much joy and contentment and peace of mind that I can't even put it into words.

Anyways... This is getting kind of long so I think I'm going to end it here.
I'm so grateful I got to know you for a while and I hope we can meet again one day when I leave this world or sooner if that's possible. I'll continue doing my best to make you proud and make my way to wherever you are. So much love, always. <3 Bye until next time.

PS I saw these wires in the ICU that looked almost like a heart shape to me and of course it made me think of you.